Why Kurt Hummel Hates Facebook
by broadwaypants
Summary: Kurt really, really should have just de-friended Jesse when he had the chance.  His facebook wall and his relationship with Blaine would certainly have been a lot more... normal if he had.


_(A/N: **Yes, I know Blaine's last name is Anderson.** **Yes, this was written before we knew his last name. No, I don't care enough to go back and change it.** Please stop leaving me reviews telling me what his last name is and asking me to change it. If it bugs you, go read something else. Thank you and have a nice day.)_

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **and **Blaine Fischer **are now friends.  
**Kurt Hummel **and **Blaine Fischer **like this.

* * *

**Rachel Berry** to **Kurt Hummel**: I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I assure you, Rachel, that I have no ulterior motives.  
**Rachel Berry**: We've all heard that before.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I'm sure you have, and I understand your hesitance. But I still would like you to know from the get-go that I'm not trying to one-up your glee club.  
**Rachel Berry**: Of course you're not trying to one-up us. That's rather difficult seeing how you don't have our vocal prowess or the high end of our range.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Am I supposed to be insulted?  
**Rachel Berry**: Try intimidated.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Consider me intimidated.  
**Rachel Berry**: As you should be.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Oh, Rachel, a girl as talented as you should at least have a smidgen of tact. That was me, being nice.  
**Rachel Berry**: And this is me, making sure you're not Jesse St. James.  
**Rachel Berry**: Except gayer.  
**Rachel Berry**: And shorter.  
**Rachel Berry**: And not as talented. (**Jesse St. James **likes this.)  
**Blaine Fischer**: I feel like I should meet this Jesse St. James character…

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **to **Rachel Berry**: Could you please stop this facebook war with Blaine? He's actually a nice person, believe it or not.

* * *

**Rachel Berry **to **Kurt Hummel**: I will admit that through our limited online interaction, he seems to be an honorable person. However, I will continue to equate him to a short, gay Jesse until I have been proven otherwise.  
**Jesse St. James**: Can I meet my gay mini-me?  
**Rachel Berry**: Maybe when you're done being Mr. Big-And-Famous-And-Robotic.  
**Jesse St. James**: I resent that.  
**Finn Hudson**: We're dating now, just fyi.  
**Finn Hudson**: Me and Rachel. Not me and Blaine. Because I'm not gay.  
**Jesse St. James**: Oh, Finn Hudson, your paranoia of misinterpretation can be seen from Mars. You poor, uneducated child.  
**Finn Hudson**: I'm not uneducated! I totally go to school.  
**Rachel Berry**: Jesse, stop. I'll de-friend you if you can't play nice.  
**Jesse St. James**: Oh no, my friend count will drop by one whole person! How will I go on?  
**Finn Hudson**: Why are you two still facebook friends, anyway?  
**Jesse St. James**: So we can continue an online love affair behind your back. (**Jesse St. James **likes this.)  
**Rachel Berry**: NO.  
**Finn Hudson**: :(  
**Rachel Berry**: He's lying, Finn. Don't worry.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Would you all mind taking this back-and-forth TO YOUR OWN FACEBOOK WALLS, PLEASE?

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **and **Mercedes Jones **are now friends.  
**Kurt Hummel **likes this.

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **likes reading **Kurt Hummel's **wall posts.  
**Wes Leon **and **Mercedes Jones **like this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: You would.  
**Blaine Fischer**: ;)  
**Mercedes Jones**: You better be nice to my boy, Blaine. You can't just go around cyber-winking at people and not mean it.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Your blessing, Miss Jones?  
**Mercedes Jones**: Granted.  
**Mercedes Jones**: Hurt him and I will cut you.  
**Wes Leon**: Cut Blaine and I'll kung fu your brains out.  
**David Carlton**: Wes, you can't hit a girl!  
**Wes Leon**: Been there, done that.  
**David Carlton**: Mimi doesn't count.  
**Wes Leon**: Shut up.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **is now friends with **Wes Leon **and **David Carlton**.  
**Blaine Fischer **likes this.

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **recorded a video on **Kurt Hummel's **wall.  
**Mercedes Jones**, **Jesse St. James**, and six others like this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Excuse me while I go puke from how adorable you are. I can't believe you covered "Belle" all by yourself.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Am I allowed to call you adorable if you're older than me?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Totally.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Awesome.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **to **Jesse St. James**: Facebook creeping much?  
**Jesse St. James**: I must concede that this suitor of yours seems charming and, while his voice is nowhere near as exquisite as my own, he has potential.  
**Kurt Hummel**: If that's supposed to make me feel better about you creeping on my wall, then you failed. I don't feel better.  
**Jesse St. James**: So I'm not allowed to keep tabs on my fellow theatre enthusiasts?  
**Kurt Hummel**: Remind me again why I'm still facebook friends with you.  
**Jesse St. James**: My hair. (**Rachel Berry **likes this.)  
**Finn Hudson**: Rachel!  
**Rachel Berry**: His hair can be very persuasive at times, Finn.  
**Finn Hudson**: :(  
**Kurt Hummel**: Oh great, another lover's quarrel coming up on my notifications. Whoop-de-do.

* * *

**Santana Lopez **to **Kurt Hummel**: Have you hit it yet?  
**Brittany Pierce **likes this.  
**Brittany Pierce**: I can come over and give you kissing lessons if you want.  
**Kurt Hummel**: No thanks, Brit.  
**Brittany Pierce**: Why not? I'm really good at it.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **would appreciate it if his friends would stay out of his love life.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Does that mean I can't ask you to dinner later? (**Mercedes Jones **and six others like this.)  
**Kurt Hummel**: Thanks for telling facebook.  
**Blaine Fischer**: But we're facebook friends. And you asked your friends to stay out of your love life. So you can understand my confusion. Am I, as a facebook friend, to concede to this request? Or, realizing that in real life we have more of an undefined amicable relationship, am I to ignore this and make an attempt to become involved in your love life?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Or should I start deleting my posts because it's been a full two hours and you haven't responded?  
**Kurt Hummel**: Check your phone. ;)

* * *

**Mercedes Jones **to **Kurt Hummel**: Deets, boy! And answer your phone!

* * *

**Rachel Berry **to **Kurt Hummel**: I sincerely hope we have learned something since last year.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Not to wear animal sweaters and trust boys named Jesse?  
**Jesse St. James**: I resent that.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I swear you're like an insect to a lightbulb. You mention Jesse's name and here he comes, regardless of what context his name is being used in. (**Finn Hudson **likes this.)

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **thinks he might be in love.  
**Wes Leon**, **David Carlton**, and sixteen others like this.  
**Wes Leon**: Well, anyone within a sixty-mile radius could have told you that. Have you seen the dopey look on your face yet? (**David Carlton **likes this.)  
**Blaine Fischer**: Shut up.  
**David Carlton**: So. Much. Agreement.  
**David Carlton**: To Wes's post.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I hate you both.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **is now in a relationship with **Blaine Fischer**.  
**Mercedes Jones**, **Wes Leon**, and thirty-three others like this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I FORBID YOU ALL TO USE THIS POST TO SAY HOW HAPPY YOU ARE FOR THE PAIR OF US.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I ENCOURAGE YOU ALL TO USE THIS POST TO SAY HOW HAPPY YOU ARE FOR THE PAIR OF US.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Sometimes I wonder why I said yes…

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **has realized that it is pointless to try to keep his personal business off facebook, since his boyfriend is a total attention whore.  
**Blaine Fischer**: But you love me anyway, right?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Right?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Three hours later and I'm still waiting for an answer.  
**Blaine Fischer**: So I'm spamming your notifications.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Unless you'll break up with me for being annoying on facebook.  
**Blaine Fischer**: But really, you love me anyway, right?  
**Kurt Hummel**: I do hope that this has been a lesson for you all in just how much of an attention whore Blaine Fischer is. (**Blaine Fischer **likes this.)

* * *

**Finn Hudson **to **Kurt Hummel**: Can I beat up Blaine when he breaks up with you?

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **to **Finn Hudson**: 1. No. 2. It's "if" he breaks up with me, not "when." 3. No. 4. Why would you ask that over facebook in the first place?

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **is scared of **Finn Hudson**.  
**Finn Hudson **likes this.

* * *

**Finn Hudson **to **Kurt Hummel**: Isn't that what big brothers are supposed to do?

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **to **Finn Hudson**: I'm three months older than you.

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **and **Finn Hudson **are now friends.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I feel obligated to comment.  
**Blaine Fischer**: You say that like it's a bad thing.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I didn't say anything. I just typed it.  
**Blaine Fischer**: But I know you too well. Admit it.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I admit nothing.  
**Finn Hudson**: But it's okay that we're friends, right?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Totally.  
**Kurt Hummel**: While this will no doubt complicate my life even further, I feel inclined to put your worrying to rest and assure you, Finn, that you are allowed to become facebook friends with anyone who strikes your fancy. (**Blaine Fischer **and **Finn Hudson **like this.)

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **and **Jesse St. James **are now friends.  
**Kurt Hummel**: WHAT.  
**Rachel Berry**: I KNEW IT.

* * *

**Rachel Berry **to **Kurt Hummel**: If you need consoling about your boyfriend's treachery, my dads are really good at being sympathetic.

* * *

**Finn Hudson **to **Blaine Fischer**: I promised Kurt I wouldn't beat you up, but I think this is a special occasion.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Excuse me?  
**Wes Leon**: I'll kung fu your ass, Hudson. Watch it.  
**Finn Hudson**: For hurting Kurt. I'll beat you up.  
**Blaine Fischer**: What did I do?

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **would like **Rachel Berry **and **Finn Hudson **to stop assuming things about his boyfriend and would also like to point out that they are both facebook friends with **Jesse St. James **as well.  
**Blaine Fischer **and **Jesse St. James **like this.

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **to **Kurt Hummel**: So I don't get why you guys all hate Jesse. He's kind of awesome.  
**Jesse St. James **likes this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: What sort of warped story did he tell you to explain last year's regionals?  
**Blaine Fischer**: The truth?  
**Jesse St. James**: I'm a man of my word. I only speak the truth.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Great, so Jesse's a sitar now. (**Mercedes Jones **likes this.)  
**Jesse St. James: **Why am I a musical instrument?  
**Blaine Fischer: **OH I GET IT.  
**Kurt Hummel:** :D**  
Jesse St. James: **I don't. :(  
**Kurt Hummel**: You will have to concede defeat.  
**Jesse St. James**: Defeat in what? Not understanding a nickname?  
**Kurt Hummel**: Try "accidentally quoting movie musicals and then not fessing up to having a mancrush on Ewan McGregor."  
**Jesse St. James**: Am I supposed to have a mancrush on him or something?  
**Jesse St. James**: OH WAIT. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Although I'm inclined to say that Blaine is the sitar, seeing how he's me in mini.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Can't I just be a hobbit instead?

* * *

**Jesse St. James **to **Blaine Fischer**: As Long As You're Mine  
**Blaine Fischer**: Bare  
**Jesse St. James**: Carpe Noctem  
**Blaine Fischer**: Don't Be a Stranger  
**Jesse St. James**: Early In the Morning  
**Blaine Fischer**: Fantasies Come True  
**Jesse St. James: **Gimme Gimme  
**Blaine Fischer**: Heaven Help My Heart  
**Jesse St. James**: It's Gonna Be Good  
**Kurt Hummel**: Jesse St. James is going to get murdered if he keeps cyber-flirting with my boyfriend.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Just the Way You Are  
**Jesse St. James**: Kama Sutra  
**Blaine Fischer**: Let Love Grow  
**Jesse St. James**: Maybe This Time (we should actually listen to Kurt)  
**Blaine Fischer**: No More (from you, Jesse. Want to take over, Kurt?)  
**Kurt Hummel**: One Normal Night (is that too much to ask?)  
**Blaine Fischer**: Pacing in a Room (please tell me you're not)  
**Kurt Hummel**: A Quiet Night at Home (no, really)  
**Blaine Fischer**: Rocket Ride (you know I'm allowed to break the showtunes-only rule for this song) (**Jesse St. James **likes this.)  
**Kurt Hummel**: Shall We Dance?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Take a Chance On Me  
**Kurt Hummel**: Upstairs  
**Blaine Fischer**: A Visit  
**Kurt Hummel**: Waiting  
**Blaine Fischer**: X-mas Bells (shut up, X is hard)  
**Kurt Hummel**: You and I  
**Blaine Fischer**: Zanna Don't?  
**Kurt Hummel**: I love you.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I love you too.  
**Jesse St. James**: I love you two, too! (**Blaine Fischer **and **Kurt Hummel **like this.)

* * *

**Finn Hudson **to **Kurt Hummel**: Are you dating Blaine or Jesse? I'm confused.  
**Jesse St. James **likes this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: BLAINE. Jesse's just an attention whore. So he and Blaine get along, naturally.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Am not.  
**Jesse St. James**: Am not.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Jinx.  
**Jesse St. James**: You're so my gay mini-me. I'm adopting you and taking you to California with me.  
**Kurt Hummel**: That's so fucking creepy, Jesse.  
**Jesse St. James**: You can come too.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Epic road trip would be epic!  
**Kurt Hummel**: You two do realize that you've never actually met in real life, right?  
**Rachel Berry**: I STILL KNEW IT.

* * *

**Jesse St. James **is in a complicated relationship.  
**Jesse St. James **and fifty-four others like this.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Boo at facebook for not allowing three-ways.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Please tell me you're not serious.  
**Jesse St. James**: Dead.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I swear you two are just trying to make me go all mad axe man on one of you…

* * *

**Rachel Berry **to **Kurt Hummel**: Did you break up with Blaine yet?  
**Kurt Hummel**: NO, Rachel. Why would I do that?  
**Rachel Berry**: Because he's cheating on you.  
**Kurt Hummel**: No he's not.  
**Rachel Berry**: I STILL KNOW BEST.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **is now single.  
**Rachel Berry**: omg Kurt I was kidding.  
**Mercedes Jones**: Do I need to cut a bitch?  
**Finn Hudson**: Permission to beat Blaine's face in?  
**Brittany Pierce**: Do I get to teach you how to kiss now?

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **is now in a complicated relationship with **Jesse St. James**.  
**Kurt Hummel **likes this.  
**Rachel Berry**: D:  
**Wes Leon**: Does this mean David and I can get facebook married now?  
**David Carlton**: Are you asking?  
**Wes Leon**: If Blaine's allowed to have a fake relationship status with a guy he's never met, we're totally allowed.  
**David Carlton**: I expect flowers.  
**David Carlton**: And a serenade.  
**Wes Leon**: You're so high maintenance. I'll just go ask Kurt instead.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **and **Wes Leon **are now married.  
**Blaine Fischer**, **David Carlton**, and seven others like this.  
**Finn Hudson**: I'm so confused.

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **is now single.

* * *

**Wes Leon **is now single.

* * *

**Jesse St. James **is now single.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **is now in a relationship with **Blaine Fischer**.

* * *

**Jesse St. James **has added **Kurt Hummel **and **Blaine Fischer **as his sons.

* * *

**Mercedes Jones **to **Kurt Hummel**: I swear you all are doing this just to mess with the rest of us.

* * *

**Jesse St. James **is visiting Lima this weekend. **Blaine Fischer **and **Kurt Hummel**, I'm looking at you two.  
**Kurt Hummel **and **Blaine Fischer **like this.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I get to meet my facebook father!  
**Rachel Berry**: STOP BEING CHUMMY WITH THE ENEMY.  
**Rachel Berry**: TWICE.  
**Kurt Hummel**: You gonna kick me out of glee club?  
**Rachel Berry**: Maybe.  
**Finn Hudson**: Want me to come as backup?  
**Kurt Hummel**: I'm fine, you two. I can't believe you're both still on about that.  
**Rachel Berry**: You can't be too careful. Especially with Jesse's hair. (**Jesse St. James **likes this.)  
**Finn Hudson**: What is it with you all and Jesse's hair?

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **is going to marry **Jesse St. James's **hair.  
**Jesse St. James **and **Kurt Hummel **like this.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **has been awarded the world's most prestigious honor: permission to touch the chocolate tresses of one **Jesse St. James**. *swoon*  
**Jesse St. James **and **Blaine Fischer **like this.

* * *

**Wes Leon **would like to know why his boys are suddenly equating **Jesse St. James **with Edward Cullen**.  
****Kurt Hummel: **How dare you compare the complete GOD that is Jesse St. James withthat sorry excuse for a vampire?  
**Blaine Fischer**: Oh, Wes, and here I thought you had taste.  
**Kurt Hummel**: You haven't actually read Twilight, have you? Because I may have to come over there and smack you with my copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I'm pretty sure no one at Dalton has ever fallen that low.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Good. But still, HOW DARE YOU, WES.  
**David Carlton**: Chill, dudes. It's just a pop culture reference. GOSH.  
**David Carlton**: Oops I forgot to log David out. It's Wes.  
**David Carlton**: I'm never borrowing your computer again, Wes.  
**Wes Leon**: Chill. It's not like I spammed everyone or made you status "poop" or something.  
**David Carlton**: And I consider myself very lucky for that. Remember what you did to Blaine last year?  
**Wes Leon**: OH YEAH. That was good.  
**Kurt Hummel**: What'd you do?  
**Wes Leon**: I made his status proclaim his undying love for Daniel Radcliffe and how after seeing Equus he was so horny that he bought a hot dog and sucked it off.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I honestly have no idea what to say in response to that.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Did he really see Equus?  
**Blaine Fischer**: No, I didn't see Equus. But I wanted to. Go figure I was too young when it was still playing.  
**Blaine Fischer**: And not because of Daniel Radcliffe, either. It looked like a tasteful piece of theatre. With nudity.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Uh huh, sure…  
**Blaine Fischer**: No, really! I read the play and it sounded interesting!  
**Kurt Hummel**: And it had a naked Daniel Radcliffe in it.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I promise that wasn't a deciding factor. The fact that one of my favorite actors just so happened to strip down was just a coincidence.  
**Kurt Hummel**: You do realize that you're digging yourself deeper into a crater-sized hole, right?  
**Blaine Fischer**: I'm going to stop typing now.

* * *

**Jesse St. James **enjoyed seeing some old friends and meeting some new ones. **Blaine Fischer**, you better come visit me in California!  
**Blaine Fischer **likes this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I swear you're secretly gay, Jesse.  
**Jesse St. James**: I'm straight, but shit happens.  
**Blaine Fischer**: You basically summed up the philosophy of every straight guy at Dalton. (**Wes Leon **and **David Carlton **like this.)  
**Kurt Hummel**: Just as long as I don't have to worry about you stealing him. ;)  
**Jesse St. James**: I make no promises.  
**Blaine Fischer**: I'm too smitten with my boyfriend to even think about anyone else. (**Kurt Hummel **likes this.)  
**Jesse St. James**: If I start cyber-flirting does that make this facebook incest?

* * *

**Finn Hudson **to **Kurt Hummel**: Can you please explain what's going on with you and Blaine and Jesse? I'm still confused.  
**Jesse St. James**: Basically, Kurt and Blaine are completely enamored with each other and have a really bad habit of ignoring the world when they're together. So I came to visit and both were distracted by the all-powerful Hair. Both of them are now my sex slaves. I like it when Kurt hits the high F for me.  
**Finn Hudson**: I'm going to murder you for stealing Kurt's virtue, as Rachel's putting it.  
**Kurt Hummel**: FINN. He's KIDDING. Jesse, stop taunting my brother.

* * *

**Jesse St. James **to **Kurt Hummel**: You have no idea how tempted I am to quote "Rocket Ride" at you right now. I am restraining myself with difficulty.  
**Blaine Fischer**: COME ON AND TAKE MY ROCKET RIDE.  
**Jesse St. James**: FEEL YOU SHIVER WHEN I QUIVER INSIDE.  
**Blaine Fischer**: EVERYTHING HOT HAPPENS IN THE DARK, BABY.  
**Jesse St. James**: DON'T THINK TOO MUCH JUST LET ME TOUCH YOU THERE.  
**Blaine Fischer**: DON'T THINK TOO MUCH JUST GET IT UP IN THE AIR.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I hate you both so much.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **would like the world to know that he has never and will never ride **Jesse St. James's **"rocket ship."|  
**Blaine Fischer**: How about mine?  
**Kurt Hummel**: Shut your mouth.  
**Blaine Fischer**: ;)  
**Jesse St. James**: Gavin should totally re-record that so that people actually know he's singing about gay sex.  
**Blaine Fischer**: But he says "whatshe" and makes a very subtle "sh" noise, so it really could be taken either way. And the rest of the song is pointedly devoid of pronouns.  
**Jesse St. James**: Exactly my point. He should re-do it and actually say "What's he" instead of slurring the words together.  
**Blaine Fischer**: Oh, right, gotcha. But you have to admit, for someone who was still in the closet when he released the album, he did a damn good job of making the songs ambiguous enough to swing both ways.  
**Jesse St. James**: That whole album is basically complete genius. Nobody else could get away with singing about gay sex and attempted rape.  
**Blaine Fischer**: And friendship and family and looooove.  
**Jesse St. James**: But still, gay sex and attempted rape.  
**Kurt Hummel**: PLEASE STOP NOW.

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **would like **Blaine Fischer **and **Jesse St. James **to know that thanks to them, he had an extremely uncomfortable conversation with his dad about condoms and how to say no.  
**Blaine Fischer**: At least you got it over with now!  
**Jesse St. James**: Happy to be of service.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Why does that make you two happy?

* * *

**Kurt Hummel **to **Finn Hudson**: You're not allowed to teach my dad how to use facebook while logged in anymore.  
**Finn Hudson**: Sorry, bro.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Call me 'bro' again and I'll help your mom make a facebook.  
**Finn Hudson**: Never again.  
**Kurt Hummel**: I'm glad we had this talk.

* * *

**Rachel Berry **to **Kurt Hummel**: If you ever do need to have the talk, I'm sure my dads would be more than willing to help out.  
**Jesse St. James **likes this.  
**Kurt Hummel**: Rachel, please MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.  
**Rachel Berry**: But I know best!  
**Blaine Fischer**: Wanky.  
**Santana Lopez**: Stole the words right out of my mouth, prep-boy.

* * *

**Blaine Fischer **has just realized that he really should learn to think before he types.  
**Kurt Hummel**: No kidding. I think the entirety of facebook is convinced that we both live in Jesse's harem and do nothing but re-enact sex scenes from musicals on our "time off." Nice going. (**Jesse St. James **likes this.)


End file.
